I have been officially cancer free since September 19th. I'm so stoked about this - obviously. I know I should be jumping for joy and loving life at this point. I mean, I kicked cancers ass and get to keep living. But it is not that simple.
I have never really cared about looks. Make-up, nice clothes, fancy hair-dos or being thin, have never been for me. I have always been the girl with the bun on top of her head and wearing the jeans and t-shirt that is probably stained. Because of this I am surprised I am struggling with mirrors now.
The top of my head was getting ridiculously thin after a week long stay in the hospital so I let my sister buzz it for me:
 |
| Right after it was buzzed |
I, surprisingly, loved it buzzed like that... at least for a few days before my face exploded from my crazy high dosage of Prednisone.
 |
| After my last chemo. Moonfaced to the extreme and maybe 5 eyebrow hairs. |
I do not see myself in the mirror anymore. I do not see the "brave," "courageous," and "beautiful" woman that people label me and other cancer survivors as. I see the chipmunk cheeks that are going down [too] slowly, I see the "beer gut" and "camels hump" that seem to be here to stay no matter how much of the Insanity workout I put myself through and how miles I walk or run.
I don't believe the feeling of depression is solely based the stranger in the mirror.
When I was first diagnosed I did not allow myself to react. I didn't cry or get sad or upset. I just went straight in to "ok, what now" mode. I may have had only one break down, but it was over in 2 minutes and I was back to being "brave." I think now that I am done with treatment and just have to worry about scans, all of the anxiety, fear, frustration, and sadness are snowballed and hitting me all at once. I have found myself totally unable to sleep at any sort of normal hours - no matter how early the kiddo wakes me. Can't I just stay in bed all day? I find myself being really mean and snippy with Craig for no reason what so ever. I used to have a long fuse, but now, it is as though anything could make me mad, but don't worry I am nice again in 5 minutes.
So, I have my work cut out for me - I get to rediscover myself. I will never been pre-cancer Lindsay again. How scary!
Big hugs...
ReplyDeleteI think this happens often to people who have had a major health issue. For a long time, their lives revolved around getting well/better. Now that they are, they're often hit with the 'what now?' depression. It's compounded by what you pointed out, they didn't give themselves time to deal with the emotions at the moment because they were focused on the 'what's my next step' part of the process. It's the same for folks in a natural disaster, they're given no time to think and process and just have to keep pushing forward. Now that you have time, your body is reminding you that there are emotions that have not been dealt with yet. How to deal, is of course up to you. For whatever it matters, I suggest a pretty well rounded approach. Yes, talk with your doctor, but also explore other means of dealing with this. Perhaps you can talk with other ladies going through the process, letting them know how it's changed your life and what you're doing to cope, letting them ask blunt raw questions that only someone who has been through it can answer. That can be healing for all. Also, perhaps some more holistic activities could be helpful; massage, acupuncture, reiki to name a few. I know that what I have to say comes with a bit of 'she's not been here so whatever' but I thought I'd offer my thoughts anyway :)
With your awesome support system, I'm sure you'll figure all this out in a way that works for you :)