Depression

Along with the guilt that I talked about before, another lovely thing that comes along with cancer is depression. I've always struggled a little bit with depression and anxiety to some degree. Normally, I can snap myself out of it pretty easily.

I have been officially cancer free since September 19th. I'm so stoked about this - obviously. I know I should be jumping for joy and loving life at this point. I mean, I kicked cancers ass and get to keep living. But it is not that simple.

I have never really cared about looks. Make-up, nice clothes, fancy hair-dos or being thin, have never been for me. I have always been the girl with the bun on top of her head and wearing the jeans and t-shirt that is probably stained. Because of this I am surprised I am struggling with mirrors now.

The top of my head was getting ridiculously thin after a week long stay in the hospital so I let my sister buzz it for me:

Right after it was buzzed

I, surprisingly, loved it buzzed like that... at least for a few days before my face exploded from my crazy high dosage of Prednisone. 

After my last chemo.
Moonfaced to the extreme
and maybe 5 eyebrow hairs.

After the hospital stay and the hair buzzing, I was also struggling with having no eyebrows. People look so weird with no eyebrows. I tried fixing them the best I could before saying "screw it" and went with the alien look. At this point the prednisone was making me put on weight - A LOT of weight. I had lost quiet a bit of weight while I was going through the diagnosis process, so the fact that I was creeping up to how much I weighed right before giving birth was hard to swallow. When I passed that number I was heartbroken. I know the prednisone literally saved my life, but I also feel like between that and cancer it also took it away.

I do not see myself in the mirror anymore. I do not see the "brave," "courageous," and "beautiful" woman that people label me and other cancer survivors as. I see the chipmunk cheeks that are going down [too] slowly, I see the "beer gut" and "camels hump" that seem to be here to stay no matter how much of the Insanity workout I put myself through and how miles I walk or run.

I don't believe the feeling of depression is solely based the stranger in the mirror.

When I was first diagnosed I did not allow myself to react. I didn't cry or get sad or upset. I just went straight in to "ok, what now" mode. I may have had only one break down, but it was over in 2 minutes and I was back to being "brave." I think now that I am done with treatment and just have to worry about scans, all of the anxiety, fear, frustration, and sadness are snowballed and hitting me all at once. I have found myself totally unable to sleep at any sort of normal hours - no matter how early the kiddo wakes me. Can't I just stay in bed all day? I find myself being really mean and snippy with Craig for no reason what so ever. I used to have a long fuse, but now, it is as though anything could make me mad, but don't worry I am nice again in 5 minutes.

So, I have my work cut out for me - I get to rediscover myself. I will never been pre-cancer Lindsay again. How scary!