Guilt

Something you don't hear a lot about when it comes to cancer and other serious illnesses is the internal turmoil it can brew up inside of you. Logically, it makes no sense to feel bad about it - you didn't choose for it to happen to you - you didn't choose to put your family through it - so why feel bad?

Guilt is a funny thing. It has a way of sneaking up on you unjustifiably and sinking it's dirty fangs into your conscience and sub-conscience mind. It can consume you before you even realize it's there.

First, I felt guilty for going to the doctor and having all these expensive tests done. That guilt was short lived and was gone as soon as we learned something serious was going on. 

It hit me really hard when I started missing work. In the 2 years I was at my job before this happened, I called in once and it was when I was pregnant and my doctor told me to spend a day in bed. I  am so stubborn and feel the need to carry my own weight and not let people down that I worked for the week and a half that I was put on bed rest. Missing work has never been an option for me. I was raised that way - if you take on a responsibility then you see it through. So, much to my horror, I had to call in a lot due to PET scans that require being a vegetable for 24 hours in advance, surgeries and their recovery time, chemos and their recovery times, and doctors appointments. I am a people pleaser and I don't like making people have to work around my schedule. Of course everyone at work was understanding and never said or did anything to make me feel bad - tease me about taking so many vacations, but never anything serious. When I finally switched from intermittent leave to continuous, I cried. I felt awful. I didn't want to do it even though I knew it was necessary. I've been gone since the end of May and I'm still feeling kind of rotten about making them deal with covering my shift. I am learning to live with that though. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did at the beginning.

The guilt I feel for what it does to my family is by far the most overbearing sense of guilt I have ever felt. The stress it puts on Craig is beyond unfair. He has stepped up and has taken care of not only me, but Oliver and pretty much everything financial (now if only he could learn to fold laundry and clean a toilet hehe). The further I venture into this cancer journey the more time I spend in bed. This means the more I miss out on Oliver's day-to-day. There was solid 2 months where I spent all my time at work or in bed. Oliver would come to my door and I'd hear knock knock then his little voice yell "mama!" He wouldn't even have to see me go in there, he would just know I was there. He would want me to pick him up and play with him, but because of the surgeries he would only be allowed to cuddle until he got too excited and had to be kicked out. One great thing about having gone on LOA is that I now get to see him for a solid 5 hours between waking up and when Craig gets home. He and I are much happier with that arrangement! Plus there is seeing my parents have to deal with a child who has cancer and knowing that it makes my sister upset when I tell her when chemo makes me throw up. Those are guilts I don't have to come face-to-face with daily so they are easier to ignore (sorry guys!).

I get gut wrenching remorse thinking of other cancer patients - of any kind - who haven't been as lucky as me. I get a physical ache when I think about those who have to fight harder than me, who have worse reactions to the medications, who have to have surgery after surgery, those who don't win their fight and whose families have to watch it all happen. Nobody controls who gets sick, how serious it is, and who makes it, so why am I "lucky"? Why do I get off so easily? What makes me different from a little kid who doesn't get a chance to live cancer-free? I don't know any of these answers, but I do know that we need to figure it out. I almost consider this one a good guilt because it is what I plan on using to propel me in my philanthropy.

There is actually a lot of other things I feel bad about, but do I really need to go into detail about my full head of hair, staying up too late to read (or blog) and the pile of laundry I keep saying I'll get to tomorrow?

I get my PET scan results tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed for good news :)

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1/16/13 to 7/4/13

42 veils of blood
3 PET Scans
3CT Scans
7 IVs
3 Surgeries
8 Chemos
7 Neulasta shots