"I'm so sorry you are going this"

I'm not ungrateful for all my well wishers. I love how people I didn't talk to for some time came out of the woodwork that is Facebook and have joined the support train that I so desperately need at this point in my life.

That being said, I'm going to explain why I am not sorry that I have cancer and have been poked, prodded,  cut open, stitched up, scanned,  and drained of 31 veils of blood thus far.

When I was in middle school I read every single Laurleen McDaniel book that had been published. All of her book are cancer stories. I've been reading about bone marrow tests, chemo, radiation,  hospital stays due to infections caused by low blood counts. While reading these books I developed a fascination with cancer and those going through it. Once I read all her books and moved on to Luis Duncan's classics (what? Is I Know What You Did Last Summer not a classic book?  Hmm...), my awe of serious illnesses wore off for the most part.

Whenever I watch a show or movie where someone gets diagnosed with cancer or a tumor, I always without fail think to myself: "wow, I wonder if something is growing in me." Or "that could he happening inside anybody."

I've kept my interest in abnormal cells in a world of fiction. I've never asked for details from anyone I've known who has had cancer or has someone close who has or is battling it. I am unfortunately way too shy to be that vocally curious. I'm careful not to offend anyone because Laurleen taught me that it is a tough topic and relatives of fighters have just as hard a time with it.

I'm not sorry I have cancer. I find it interesting to have abnormal cells and the opportunity to get answers to questions I've had for years. I don't mind the endless tests because I get to talk to nurses who can answer my questions and I get to experience something special. Special in a morbid sense, but still special.

I am not sorry I have cancer because I have one that is a 90% survival rate so I will get to live a life in the end.

I'm not sorry because I get to learn how to live. I'm not a person who goes out and does things. Sometimes it is a fight to get me to go out and do anything. I even struggle with going to see nearby family on a regular basis. I get to see how important it is to not take those who want to get me out, for granted.

I am not sorry I have cancer because I get the opportunity to see that I do have things and people worth fighting for. I struggle with depression. It is good to know I have reasons to be happy and reasons to be here.

I'm also not sorry because Oliver get will grow up knowing my cancer story. He will always know that I fought my hardest to make sure he has a mom to help raise him. I have been able to see just how much he needs and wants me around by the way he knocks on my door saying "mama," when I am ordered to stay away from him.

So, you may be sorry I have cancer and that's ok. Just know that some good does come along with the painful tests,  uncomfortable treatments, surgeries and outrageous bills.

- - - - -
Since 1/16/13 to 4/1/13

31 veils of blood
2 pet scans
1 CT scan
5 IVs
2 surgeries
2 chemotherapy treatments
2 neulasta shots (white blood cell booster)